A Guide for Surviving Horror Movies

Congratulations, it’s October 2018 — a time where everyone insists on watching horror movie marathons. When a simple jump scare makes my heart jump out of its chest and run away in search of a hiding spot, I make it obvious I’m not a big fan of horror movies. I hate them for the same reasons a horror movie enthusiast loves them: the classic trip down the basement or in the forest, or the iconic “Here’s Johnny!” to the multitude of dumb decisions leading to blood-curdling screams.

            You may be wondering, why listen to me? I have confidently survived my fair share of horror movies: IT (2017), The Quiet Place, 20 solid minutes of Hush, and (as a four-year-old) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I’ll quickly mention World War Z, ParaNorman, and Zombieland; I know those might not count, but as someone who hates zombies, I call that a win. As a small side note from movies, I also subject myself to watching horror gameplay. I can’t help my appreciation for beautiful game graphics and storylines. I watched over fifteen hours of gameplay from Until Dawn and another fifteen from The Last of Us. So, am I pretty qualified? I vote yes.

So, Step #0.5: If you can help it, run away. There’s no shame in throwing away your pride for a hot minute if it means saving yourself several days of nightmares. I take no shame in firmly saying, “no, thank you” the second I get a horror movie invitation. Catch me huddled under the covers waiting for November to come around along with its annual Thanksgiving dinner. I can’t wait for pumpkin pie; Ugh yes, please.

Step #1: If you find yourself face-to-face with the inevitable and hate horror movies as much as I do, preparation is key. I can’t stress this enough. It seems counter-intuitive but research will save you at the end, and apologies for the poor souls who can’t handle gore. Just like an important test, the better you know the material, the better off you’ll be. Watch spoilers, read the plot summary on Wikipedia, or ask a fan to rant about it to you. Find out when the jump-scares occur and watch the ending of a terrifying scene. In this case, you want as many spoilers as you can get. I remember bugging my best friend Claire about watching IT. She hated spoiling the storyline, but she reluctantly told me every plot twist and warned me about upcoming jump-scares. 

Step #2: Laugh. Try laughing after screaming about a scary scene, or watch the YouTube compilations that jokes about the entire movie. Or watch Cinema Sins bash a movie’s flaws in its face. You’ll knock step one and two at once. Don’t knock it till you try it. Try horror comedies! I’m a huge fan of Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. Please, you have to try watching it and ask me about it sometime. It’ll spin your perspective on every cliché horror movie you’ll ever watch in the future. I also found The Babysitter amusing.

Step #2.5: Possibly still have a couple nightmares from your pitiful research. Regret why you never decided to follow step #0.5. I ask myself this question hundreds of times. 

Step #3: Set up the zone. If the movie contains scenes in a dark basement, don’t watch it in the basement; Come on, basic logic. Lock the doors, cover the windows, and (most importantly) leave a light on. Avoid watching the movie alone at two o’clock in the morning. (Go ahead and do the opposite if you’re a horror movie fanatic; I can’t relate to your enthusiasm.)

Step #4: In relation to step three, movies are always more fun with friends. It’s nice having someone to scream with and hold to death. Every scary movie I’ve watched has been with either family or friends. In general, it’s kind of depressing watching a movie all by yourself. This isn’t mentioning the annoying movie buddies: the ones who talk through the entire movie or spoil the endings when you didn’t want them (I’m sure you know a couple people).

Step #5: Repeat steps #1 - #4 until you’ve survived the month of October. I pray you come out the other side alright. Feel free to help your fellow “scaredy-cats.” Like Mr. Buck’s iconic quote, “Good luck, have fun, do well.”

Just remember movies are for our entertainment. As for my tips, take them or leave them. If you happen to follow these steps, tell me if they worked for you. I’d laugh my head off if it converts a horror movie hater into another fanatic. To the horror fans, what are your methods for dealing with these movies? I’d love to hear your ideas.